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Homeless Guys Smoking Crack Outside My Door
Drip check! Steal his look!
I was leaving to go to work Monday morning when I noticed two homeless guys in front of the door to my apartment building. You may remember (from the time someone took a shit in front of my door) that this is the only door in or out of the building.
These men were camped out with their wares (including trash bags, cigarettes, rugs, and Nerds candy) strewn about, and they were using a wheelchair as a sort of mobile work station upon which they were preparing some crack. They then sat down to smoke the crack.
Shit, I thought to myself, how am I going to get to work with all their shit in front of the door?
Then I realized something: that guy’s outfit is cool.
He’s dressed the way I thought drug dealers would dress when I was a kid: long trench coat with a wide brimmed hat obscuring his face. He looks like the villain on a neighborhood watch sign.
Then I had a crazy thought: what if he’s not even homeless? His outfit was cooler than mine, after all. Living in East Village I often can’t tell the difference between homeless and hip Gen-Z fashion anyway; perhaps there’s a new TikTok challenge to dress like a grubby Carmen Sandiego and smoke crack in a wheelchair.
So I did some research and put together the following guide to steal his look:
According to Vogue, super-sized stripes are in this summer. It may be hot out, but it’s worth it for the look.
A pair of sturdy boots offers protection against rodents and lets you wade through the city’s filth with confidence.
Beat the heat this summer with a wide brimmed hat to protect against the sun’s harmful UV rays.
WFH like a pro this summer with this mobile work station. Tired? It’s also a chair so you can take a load off.
Exchange Supplies Crack Pipe Kit - $11.50
Doubles as a turtle-friendly reusable straw for iced lattes.
So there you have it, a definitive guide to stealing his look and keeping it cool this summer. Come back next week for more fashion updates from East Village.
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