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Lao Yu's Body Spa
Learning what massages are all about
Ever since moving to New York my girlfriend has frequently gone to get massages. "I'm going to get a massage," she would say, then disappear for an hour or so. I never really knew where she went or what you do when you "get a massage," as I had never actually gotten a real massage before. That is until one Friday afternoon, as she announced that she was going to get a massage, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked to tag along. I soon found out what getting a massage was all about.
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We walked to her regular massage place: a grubby massage parlor called Lao Yu's Body Spa. The instant we walked in a woman behind the desk said "okay, come with me," as if she had been waiting for us, and hastily ushered us down the hall. We briefly tried explaining that we didn't have an appointment, but there was a bit of a language barrier and she continued beckoning us down the hall so we eventually shrugged and followed.
The hall was dimly lit, and there were several doors to small massage rooms on both sides of the hallway, a la the setting of a Scooby Doo chase scene. The tiny massage rooms were separated not by real walls, but by those temporary room divider walls that don't quite reach the ceiling.
We followed her to the end of the hall where she left us in what appeared to be a couples massage room which scarcely fit two massage tables. There we got undressed, laid down on the massage tables, and waited.
Laying quietly on the massage table I noticed that you could hear everything happening due to the thin walls that didn't reach the ceiling. I could hear people speaking in hushed voices in other massage rooms, the hissing and clanging of a radiator, and quiet calming music playing in the hall. The bathroom must have been nearby because I could hear the toilet flush as clearly as if I were sitting on it. I also heard a couple walk in a minute later and tell the front desk staff "no, we had a 5:30 couples massage appointment!"
After some quick searches online, I found that other patrons of Lao Yu's Body Spa were also surprised by how easily sound carries throughout the establishment.
I'm not sure what's more shocking, the review itself or Hattie's insane attempt to explain away the sex noises. A quirky customer just makes those noises as a way to relax during the massage? That’s honestly more alarming than if he had just gotten a happy ending. Imagine getting a massage so good that you scream "I'm going to come!" Even if that was the case, how is that okay? If I walked into a deli, took a bite of a really good sandwich, and announced to the entire establishment that I was climaxing they would probably ask me to leave.
Thankfully Hattie is a proactive business owner and has promised to hang up "No Sex Massage" signs on the wall (though I did not see these signs during my visit).
After waiting a few minutes and listening to all the sounds of Lao Yu's Body Spa, a masseuse and masseur entered the room. I got the masseur, who was a minuscule man with a big smile. He poured some kind of oil on my back and started massaging, gently at first, but then began using his elbows to dig in with a surprising amount of force for such a small man. He clawed at my ligaments and raked his greased up forearms up and down my back, thumping into each rib like a xylophone. The entire massage was punctuated by toilet flushes.
Overall the experience up to this point was fine; despite being kind of painful it was somewhat relaxing, but certainly not enough to make me scream "I'm going to come!"
Then the man proceeded to pull my underwear all the way up my butt and give me the worst wedgie I'd received in my adult life. "HWAA!" I exclaimed for everybody in the building to hear. To be clear, I wear Lululemon briefs, so it's no easy feat to pull them all the way up my butt crack. He then massaged my legs a bit, but spent most of his time massaging my butt cheeks.
Afterwards we put our clothes back on and walked home. I was covered in a strange oil and my back felt as though I'd been hit by a bus, but my butt felt completely rejuvenated. We sat down for dinner and she asked me what I thought. "It was alright," I replied. "But I was kind of surprised by the part where they pull your underwear all the way up your butt and spend ten minutes rubbing your butt cheeks. That part is crazy right?" She gave me a puzzled look. "Is that not normal?" I asked. She thought for a moment. "I don't think so," she replied. We continued eating dinner in silence.
So now I know what getting a massage is all about. Will I be back? Maybe. $50 for an hour long massage that was decently relaxing seems like a pretty good deal. If you go just know that someone may rub your butt for a really long time, and that you'll likely hear the sounds of a toilet flushing or a quirky customer moaning in the adjacent room as they "relax." Anything can happen in the mysterious world of Lao Yu's Body Spa.
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P.S. If anyone has ever climaxed from a massage please share your experience in the comments.