Rat Report Dining
Rat Report Dining
The world's worst culinary tour through the Lower East Side
DJ Khaled is an entertainer who is famous for shouting things in the backgrounds of songs. His albums feature musicians singing while he shouts things such as "We the best music! Another one! DJ Khaled!"
To supplement the income from his shouting career DJ Khaled has leveraged his personal brand to launch a number of entrepreneurial ventures. One such venture is We The Best Home, DJ Khaled’s line of home furnishings which seems to be advertised only through Instagram.
That’s right, DJ Khaled’s gold bedroom set could be yours for the low price of $2,749. Don’t have that much cash laying around? Fear not, financing is available so you can actually go into debt in order to furnish your home like a tacky sultan.
Unfortunately I believe he’ll have a hard time selling his furnishings to New Yorkers. As badly as I want giant golden lion statues (and believe me, I do) I simply couldn’t find the space for them, nor could I wrestle an 8 foot throne up the narrow stairs to my apartment.
Luckily DJ Khaled has another iron in the fire to win the hearts and minds of New Yorkers. As I was walking home through the Lower East Side a few weeks ago I noticed a dumpy-looking storefront with a sign which read “Another Wing By DJ Khaled.” It was closed, so I ran home and did some online sleuthing. Sure enough, DJ Khaled is the proprietor of a chicken wing restaurant right here in the Lower East Side. This seemed like the perfect opportunity for a culinary tour of the Lower East side for Rat Report’s inaugural dining edition.
First Stop: Another Wing by DJ Khaled
According to the website, the restaurant serves chicken wing meals with DJ Khaled-themed sauces and dips.
I sat for a while trying to decide which of the Success Sauces would give me the least diarrhea. “You Loyal! Lemon Pepper” sounded like a safe bet, but I imagined “Honey! Honey! Hot Honey” would sequester me to the restroom for quite some time. I don’t even want to imagine how the “Suffering From Success” sauce got its name.
The reviews weren’t great, and the wings in the Google picture looked like they were suffering not from success but from freezer burn and rigor mortis.
I was still willing to give it a shot so the Rat Report culinary team marched over to the establishment. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the establishment was boarded up, even though Google said they were open. We tried calling, but the phone was disconnected and the delivery apps no longer appeared to offer Another Wing. I guess it shut down? Anyone with more information is encouraged to come forward in the comments.
The Verdict
Probably closed down, probably for the best.
Stop 2: Diller/The Pickle Guys
The Diller is a restaurant which serves fried pickle products and is attached to The Pickle Guys, an establishment with tons of different pickled shit in different barrels.
We walked in to The Pickle Guys first.
“I love the vibe of this place!” exclaimed my friend Shelby.
“I hate this place,” replied a nearby employee.
We laughed.
The employee didn’t laugh.
We decided to try regular pickles as well as some pickled mango to keep it interesting. As we were waiting in line to pay, another employee was informed that he had given some customers the wrong order.
“Ugh,” he sighed. “I hate this place.”
We went next door to Diller, the connected restaurant that sold fried pickles. While ordering our fried pickles we witnessed an altercation between a customer and the employees. At Rat Report we love witnessing a good altercation.
“You’re telling me I paid ten dollars for fried pickles and you’re going to charge me extra for more sauce?” he bellowed.
The employee muttered something inaudible, probably to the effect of “I hate this place.”
“Well damn!” replied the irate customer. “If you don’t want to work here go find another job!”
In the customer’s defense, there wasn’t much more than a teaspoon of sauce in the container included with the fried pickles.
The Verdict
The pickles were fine, but what really got us going was the altercation. It felt a bit one sided (we like when both sides start screaming) but gets bonus points because of its unexpected nature (who would have expected an altercation in a pickle shop?) - overall the altercation gets 3/5 stars.
Stop 3: Subway
We were walking by Subway and a member of Rat Report’s culinary team wanted a cookie.
The Verdict
The cookie was delectable and had a slight chemical aroma, but in a good way. 4/5 stars.
Thus concludes Rat Report’s first culinary tour of the Lower East Side. The highlight was the Subway cookie followed by the altercation at the pickle shop, so be sure to stop by both destinations next time you find yourself in the neighborhood.
As I was chatting with Rat Report’s chief Fast Casual dining correspondent, Sami, he informed me that the worst part of his week was seeing Rat Report appear in his inbox and wondering what depraved images he was about to take in. In the filthy streets issue I alluded to the people who like shitting in front of Panda Express, so in honor of Sami I’ve enclosed the following photo as evidence.
Rat Report Dining
Another entry in the expanded SNU (Sami Newsletter Universe)
How lucky that someone had just made a fresh deposit on the steps of Panda Express